Why Children Steal and How to Respond Without Losing Hope

It can be both confusing and alarming when you discover your child has taken something that isn’t theirs. Whether it’s a small toy from a friend’s house or money from a parent’s wallet, stealing often sparks big emotions—disappointment, frustration, and even fear that it says something negative about your child’s character.

But here’s the truth: stealing in childhood is usually a sign of unmet needs or developmental immaturity, not moral failure. Understanding why children steal helps parents respond with guidance instead of punishment, and connection instead of shame.

Why Children Steal: Understanding the “Why” Behind the Behavior

1. Developmental Understanding

For young children, the concept of ownership is still developing. Before about age six, many children don’t fully grasp that taking something without permission is “stealing.” It’s part of their normal cognitive and moral development (Piaget, 1932; Kohlberg, 1981).

2. Impulse Control and the ADHD Connection

Children with ADHD or other neurodevelopmental differences may struggle with impulse control. They might act on the desire to have something now without pausing to think through consequences (Barkley, 2015). In these cases, stealing isn’t about deceit, it’s about difficulty with self-regulation.

3. Emotional or Social Needs

Sometimes children steal because they’re trying to fill an emotional gap. Research shows that behaviors like stealing can emerge in response to unmet attachment needs or emotional stress (Achenbach & Rescorla, 2001). A child may take something to feel comforted, accepted, or powerful in moments when they feel powerless.

4. Peer Pressure and Belonging

As children grow older, social comparison and peer acceptance become powerful motivators. A preteen might take something to “fit in,” or to avoid embarrassment when others have things they can’t afford.

How Parents Can Respond: Guiding Without Shaming

1. Stay Calm and Avoid Overreacting

Your reaction sets the tone. Responding with anger or humiliation can create fear or secrecy rather than understanding. Take a breath, address the behavior calmly, and remember that learning accountability takes time.

2. Use Curiosity, Not Accusation

Instead of jumping straight to punishment, try curiosity:

“I noticed this toy came home with you. Can you tell me what happened?”

This approach invites honesty, which helps you uncover the why behind the behavior.

3. Teach Empathy and Repair

Once the situation is calm, help your child make amends in a respectful, restorative way. For example:

“When we take something that isn’t ours, it can hurt the other person’s feelings. How can we fix this?”

Returning the item or writing an apology note teaches responsibility without shame.

4. Model Accountability

Children learn best from what we do, not just what we say. If you make a mistake (even a small one), model how to own it and make it right. This normalizes repair as part of being human.

5. Address the Underlying Need

Ask yourself what might be driving the behavior:

• Is my child feeling left out or insecure?

• Are they struggling with impulse control or attention?

• Are there stressors at home or school increasing emotional needs?

When the root issue is addressed, the stealing often stops on its own.

Setting Boundaries with Compassion

Being understanding doesn’t mean letting it slide. Clear, consistent limits help children feel safe and accountable. You might say:

“I love you, and it’s never okay to take things without permission. Let’s talk about what you can do instead next time.”

This balance of empathy and boundary-setting supports emotional growth while teaching integrity.

When to Seek Professional Support for Parents in North Dallas

If stealing becomes frequent, secretive, or emotionally charged, it may signal underlying issues such as anxiety, trauma, or ADHD-related impulsivity. A child therapist or play therapist can help uncover the emotional root of the behavior and guide both child and parent toward healthier coping skills.

At Eden Counseling Collective, we help parents understand the “why” behind challenging behaviors and provide tools for emotional regulation and family connection.

The Takeaway

Stealing doesn’t mean your child is “bad”—it means they’re still learning. With understanding, structure, and consistent repair, children can develop honesty, empathy, and self-control that will serve them for life.

Correction doesn’t have to mean disconnection. When you approach stealing with curiosity and compassion, you’re teaching not just honesty—but emotional safety.

Still have questions? Call or text us at 214-945-3298 for a complimentary phone consultation.

References

• Achenbach, T. M., & Rescorla, L. A. (2001). Manual for the ASEBA School-Age Forms & Profiles. Burlington, VT: University of Vermont, Research Center for Children, Youth, & Families.

• Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment (4th ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

• Kohlberg, L. (1981). Essays on Moral Development: Vol. I. The Philosophy of Moral Development. San Francisco: Harper & Row.

• Piaget, J. (1932). The Moral Judgment of the Child. New York: Harcourt, Brace & Co.